Living slow and loving fast.
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She/Her
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Post by aliyaah on Jan 12, 2018 16:30:43 GMT -7
decide your fate. Marcella vs Ayyad
Climate: It is winter, but it's a warmer day. The warring parties arrive early in the morning, just as the sun is rising. There is snow on the ground, several inches thick, and slushy - mixing with the mud it has happened beneath it. The sky above is cloud covered, perhaps it will snow later on, but if it does it will be light snow - pretty, despite the destruction that will be happening on the land below.
Battle Terms: - 3 hits - 1 dodge - 3 days to reply, NO EXTENSIONS - 3 posts each (an intro from one player, two battle posts each, and then one final post from the second player) - 1000 word maximum
Other Info: - Those siding with the Helkaer will have the Helkaer "fire brand" painted in mud/earth upon them so you can recognize who they side with. - All other regular battle rules still apply so be sure to address the battle thread for rules. - Please see the main thread for any other info: Click. This includes info on how the groups approached the battle and what not, so be sure you read it over.
Upon random draw, @seasalt will be posting first, followed by Wolf Heart. Good luck!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2018 18:20:54 GMT -7
Name- Marcella Breed- clydesdale x friesian x gyspy vanner x shire x vlaamperd Age- 8yrs Gender- Mare Height- 18.2hh Alliance- Dark Health- 80%
It was finally here. The big arse battle and for the darks to rule the land which truly belong to them. It was going to fun to kick this arse opponent to the dusk. The mud mark showing her helkare brand, showing what side she was fighting for. Marcella really wished she could have gotten something to eat before the fight, her bloodlust for meat was calling and since her body have given birth to devil spawn, she wasn't able to eat meat as much as she wanted. Her ebony auds pricked to each side as she reached the battlefield.
The terrine was her favourite too, snow covered with slippery looking mud. She watched for any weak points which might cause her trouble, but she would use it for her advantage though. She snorted more as she wanted to get this battle over with, she wanted to eat more. Her thistle purple orbs, were looking around for that other person as she was growing more and more impatient. She snorted more and the wind blew against her face, and she was enjoying chill breeze in her face.
"Come on my opponent. I am waiting for you to come", she called out and snorted more, as she swished her tassel , showing just now bored and pissed off with waiting as she was.
Words | 229 Tagged | Wolf Heart Muse | Good Notes | Good luck hun
Terms - 3 hits - 1 dodge - 3 days to reply, NO EXTENSIONS - 3 posts each (an intro from one player, two battle posts each, and then one final post from the second player) - 1000 word maximum
------------------- Hits 0/3 Dodges 0/1 Attacks None Injuries None
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Wolf Blood At Heart. No Doubts, No Regrets.
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Post by Wolf Heart on Jan 13, 2018 18:20:53 GMT -7
Name- Ayyad Breed- Oldenburg, Tennessee Walking Horse, American Saddlebred, and Andalusian Age-
4.5 Years Gender- Mare Height- 17 Hands Alliance- Dark Health- 100/100 The fiery cloaked, mixed blood, Dark Allied mare moved casually toward the battlefield. It was time for the big battle that she had been hearing about all throughout the lands of late. Now, she was allied with the Darks sure, but she had a personal hatred against the Helkaer. Throwing her snow marked facade her steel gray chasms scanned her surroundings as she walked, it was Winter, but it was one of the few warmer days of the season. Her Winter coat was thick and full, but through it she felt the warmth of the just rising sun as she started to see the others that were to take a part in this fight. They were all lining up facing each other, as she approached the line for the Neutral allies, her chasms landed upon her opponent. A larger equine and she had that despised mark on her frame. Aya's harks laid back as she began to draw her slender Spanish-like frame to a halt as her opponent's lyrics drifted her way. Come on my opponent. I am waiting for you to come. Aya smirked as she stopped in her place in the line. "I'm right here." Ayyad told her and then fell silent as she gauged her surroundings and her opponent a little bit closer. Her opponent was bigger than she was, perhaps a little bit thicker also. The ground was covered in several, thick inches of snow already, and it was dirtied and slushy from a combination of the warmer temperatures and the hooves of many equines. The sky nearly matched her orbs with its covering, perhaps there would be more snow later on. The terrain might prove some difficulty for the battle, but herself and her opponent each had their own set of advantages and disadvantages. Whatever happened this would be fun and as she thought about what she would do. With a second smirk she lowered her skull and pawed the ground. Her personal battle against the Helkaer was about to begin.
Leaping forward from a partial rear, or at least trying to, her hind hooves slipped just a little as Ayyad lowered her skull over her throat and struck out with her front hooves hoping to strike the flesh of her opponent or at least surprise her enough to unbalance her while she figured out her next move against the onyx minx. As she landed, she slipped a touch and struggled just a little before she managed to regain solid footing in the slushy snowy mud. Word Count: 421 "Speaking" Listening Notes: @seasalt You too love. Terms
- 3 hits
- 1 dodge
- 3 days to reply, NO EXTENSIONS
- 3 posts each (an intro from one player, two battle posts each, and then one final post from the second player)
- 1000 word maximum
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Hits 0/3
Dodges 0/1
Attacks Leaped forward from a partial rear and struck out with her front hooves, hoping to hit flesh or surprise her opponent just enough to unbalance her briefly.
Injuries None
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2018 23:55:48 GMT -7
Name- Marcella Breed- clydesdale x friesian x gyspy vanner x shire x vlaamperd Age- 8yrs Gender- Mare Height- 18.2hh Alliance- Dark Health- 78%
The battle was getting started and the ebony mare was getting ready. She never fought a battle in her life before, so this was a great training experience for her, but she was going to win this match. She was sister to the ex helkar Vulcan for starters. She wouldn't let her bloodline down. Her white brotherhood mark on her shoulder, showed her bloodline, and many equines tremble with their name. Swishing her tassel, she watched the shorter mare making her move. Marcella was planning her moves more, as she was taller she had some advantage over her. Still she wouldn't get too over her head.
Marcella pinned her auds against her own cranium as she came at her. Her thistle purple orbs spotted the vixen slipping slightly as her attack came. Standing strong at her stance, she didn't back down from the attack. Flirts frailed towards her, and she watched them slice a small wound onto her body, around her nape. The blood wasn't lot and she just smirked. Marcella didn't know the attack was suppose to do, but she remained standing, not even moving as her balance was intact. "That attack was so pitiful. You neutrals are bunch of losers, and sooner you are wiped out the better" she bad mouthed her, as she prepared her attack.
Tucking her dial into her chest to protect her vital blood vessels from her nape, she charge herself and went she was about contact distance, she spun around and lifted her hind flints up in the air and struck out, hoping to hit the mare's shoulder or ribs. She hoped that the power in the kick would be strong enough to break something at least. As she place her backlegs back down, she moved forward to protect her rump from a another attack, while she moved forward she was careful where she stepped, as she didn't fancy hurting herself stupidly from slippery slush of snow.
The ebony mare stood head on again, as she waited to see what attack this pathetic weak creature would pull next, as hoped that her attack made it mark, this fight was going to hers and she knew this in her heart lot.
Words | 367 Tagged | Wolf Heart Muse | Good Notes | Really enjoying this... I wasn't sure where your mare was attacking, so I said to hit her neck
Terms - 3 hits - 1 dodge - 3 days to reply, NO EXTENSIONS - 3 posts each (an intro from one player, two battle posts each, and then one final post from the second player) - 1000 word maximum
------------------- Hits 1/3 Dodges 0/1 Attacks: 1. Charge up towards Ayyad, turned around and kicked out with her hindlegs, hoping to hit her shoulder or ribs. Injuries: 1. Small slice cut on her neck, moderate bleeding
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Wolf Blood At Heart. No Doubts, No Regrets.
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Addict
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Post by Wolf Heart on Jan 16, 2018 19:56:16 GMT -7
Name- Ayyad Breed- Oldenburg, Tennessee Walking Horse, American Saddlebred, and Andalusian Age-
4.5 Years Gender- Mare Height- 17 Hands Alliance- Dark Health- 70/100 As she regained her balance, Ayyad settled her galvanized chasms upon the onyx mare. Noticing the wound, she saw she had succeeded in part of her first attack. Then her towers tipped forth as the mare spoke to her again. That attack was so pitiful. You neutrals are a bunch of losers, and the sooner you are wiped out the better. Aya's audits flattened again as she pawed the ground briefly. She wouldn't let this mare get the better of her. Sure, she'd never been in a battle before, but this, even if she failed the match, it was something fun she got to do, and it allowed her to prepare herself better for the next time. As she continued to watch her opponent, Ayyad flared her nares and prepared herself for the mare's retaliation.
Then the mare made a charge of her own. Similar to what Ayyad had done, but she waited, watched. Then, the attack came. Her opponent spun, hind daggers rising up in a kick. The impact hurt, alot. She was pushed aside as the flints slammed in and dragged across her shoulder and a slice appeared there with her blood beginning to drip out of it. Her shoulder was bruised, if not broken, but as the ebony mare stopped and faced her again, Aya smirked a little, calculating her next move. Thankfully it was not overly hot and though she still felt the pain in her shoulder, it wasn't enough to stop her, just slow her down.
As she didn't trust her shoulder to take the impact of a run back at the other mare, Aya started forward at an easy walk, a limp prominent on her right side. She had the advantage of smaller stature and possibly quicker movements and as she drew closer to the mare, she started an uneven trot and then extended her nape out, while keeping her chin drawn to her chest. The closer to the other mare that she got, she increased her pace again, her limp even more noticeable the quicker she moved and then, with her nape like a snake she reached out to bite at the mare.
She aimed an attack at her opponent's forelegs and the Achilles tendons there-in and while moving her injured shoulder away from the other mare, Aya switched her bite and aimed it at the other mare's already injured nape. She hoped that she would either connect with her opponent's forelegs and wound the tendon or get enough of a grip on her neck to try and drag her down with the aid of gravity and Aya's own weight. Moving onward, Ayyad managed to step in spots where she could keep better balance than before and not slip on the slushy ground again.
Word Count: 459 "Speaking" Listening
Notes: @seasalt this is fun and its the first battle I've ever done. XD. Terms
- 3 hits
- 1 dodge
- 3 days to reply, NO EXTENSIONS
- 3 posts each (an intro from one player, two battle posts each, and then one final post from the second player)
- 1000 word maximum
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Hits 1/3
Dodges 0/1
Attacks 1. Leaped forward from a partial rear and struck out with her front hooves, hoping to hit flesh or surprise her opponent just enough to unbalance her briefly.
2. Started to walk toward Marcella, her neck extended out and her chin tucked down over her throat, then increased through an uneven trot to an uneven canter, aiming to either bite Marcella in the Achilles tendon or to get another grip on her neck wound and use her weight and gravity to try to drag her down.
Injuries 1. Moderately deep slice on her right shoulder that is bleeding, a bruised right shoulder, likely with a small fracture, causing a prominent limp on that side.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2018 12:00:18 GMT -7
Name- Marcella Breed- clydesdale x friesian x gyspy vanner x shire x vlaamperd Age- 8yrs Gender- Mare Height- 18.2hh Alliance- Dark Health- 75%
The mare was enjoying this fight. Blood and gore was something she enjoyed, especially since she love meat. She would love to eat this mare alive. The fight was getting bloody and she was going to make sure it end up more bloody. Her nape wasn't getting enough attention, as the bleeding was minor. She would love to have deeper gash, so she would have trophy scar to show her brother and father. Even the helkar would be impressed with her, and might even trained her to fight some more as well. Marcella didn't want to admit it, her inexperience was showing, and errors were made, that cause her sloppy fighting and attacks.
Marcella saw the attack hit the mark, and she was please. She eyed that there was bleeding where she hit. She snorted and pinned her auds, as she saw the attack. She rose onto her hindlegs, and being slow, she felt the teeth hitting her right knee. Luckily her tendon was intact, and while the mare hit her target, Marcella reached down towards her crest line. She opened her mouth, and aimed to bite along this vulnerable spot, she hoped that she managed to rip some skin, and hair from the roots. Creating more pain for the mare. Marcella would love to have some flesh in her mouth and taste the mare.
Moving away from the mare, as she saw more blood coming from her leg this time. She reached down and licked it, and smacked her lips, just like the foal would do when it wants milk. She knew this would piss the injury more, but she didn't care. She leaped forward, stretching her limbs. Doing this stretched the bite wound more, creating a larger wound, and blood was running down her leg, like she been kicked like mad. When she was close enough, she reared onto her hindlegs, showing power and making this final attack count. She kicked her front legs out, and as she came down, she opened her maw. Then using her ivories, she aimed to go for her left eye, and mark a nasty bite. She hoped that this would hit, possible her flints hit her while they were coming down.
Marcella waited to see what this mare would do back, as she hoping for more scars on her body, and she wouldn't avoid any attacks from this mare, dodging attacks were for weaklings.
Words | 402 Tagged | Wolf Heart Muse | Great Notes | Good luck lovely
Terms - 3 hits - 1 dodge - 3 days to reply, NO EXTENSIONS - 3 posts each (an intro from one player, two battle posts each, and then one final post from the second player) - 1000 word maximum
------------------- Hits 3/3 Dodges 0/1 Attacks: 1. Charge up towards Ayyad, turned around and kicked out with her hindlegs, hoping to hit her shoulder or ribs. 2. While Ayyad made contact on her knee, Marcella aimed for her neck line, hoping to rip hair and skin. 3. Marcella reared up and aimed to bite at her eye. If the bite was unsuiccessful, her flints would cut something on the way down.
Injuries: 1. Small slice cut on her neck, moderate bleeding 2. A bite on her knee, causing minor bleeding and bruising. Be lame for two weeks while healing. 3. Opened the bite wound more while charging her next attack, bleeding is more and leave a large scar when healed.
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Wolf Blood At Heart. No Doubts, No Regrets.
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Addict
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Post by Wolf Heart on Jan 18, 2018 21:01:57 GMT -7
Name-Ayyad Breed- Oldenburg, Tennessee Walking Horse, American Saddlebred, and Andalusian Age-
4.5 Years Gender- Mare Height- 17 Hands Alliance-Dark Health- 70/100 Her most recent attack was noticed by her opponent, as they drew closer to one another, her onyx dyed adversary reared up but Aya's attack succeeded. Her ivories didn't sink into the tendon, but she caught the mare on her right knee, but as her own enamels sank into the knee, she felt the other mare's ivories sink into the crest of her nape and as the pair drew away from each other, Aya felt the skin being yanked and then a squeal escaped her maw as a small bit of the flesh was torn off her nape, likely with a couple of strands of her mane along with it. As she found solid purchase again, Aya spun around and faced her opponent.
Then it seemed like no time had passed and another attack came. The ebony mare had paused just long enough to lick at her bleeding knee. Then she was running back at Aya. Ayyad was ready, and she was on her hind legs just as her opponent rose to hers. When the Helkaer ally struck out at her with her front hooves, before baring her ivories and attempting to strike her in the left eye, or at least somewhere upon her facade. Ayyad was having none of it. Drawing her skull into her chest as she dropped down caused a grunt to slip free of her muzzle as her wounded shoulder was jarred, but she sprang out of reach of the mare, but just barely. She didn't mind the scars she'd have upon her shoulder or her nape, but she was not losing vision in one or both of her eyes.
Snorting as she threw her skull upward, Ayyad glared across the field at her opponent. Her next attack had to count. Snorting again, Ayyad launched her slender frame forward. Each time her right fore hoof hit the ground she felt the pain as it shot through the shoulder. If there was a fracture on the shoulder, she didn't doubt she'd make it worse than it was. Then, as she drew closer to the other mare, she stopped, spun and struck out with her hind knives and struck toward the other mare's face. Though the movement irritated the wounded shoulder, Ayyad wanted to make this count and most of her power was locked away in those hind flints. She hoped that she would end up hitting the mare's cheek or lower jaw and either dislocating one or the other or breaking either of them. As soon as she'd made her attack she darted away again and stopped a safe distance from her adversary waiting. Whatever the results, this had been enjoyable for Ayyad, and she had gotten to get a little bit of revenge on the Helkaer, that satisfied her and she smirked a little as she watched her opponent. Aya had to give her some credit, she'd been a worthy adversary. They'd both have scars from this encounter, but it would be worth it.
Word Count: 498
"Speaking" Listening
Notes: @seasalt this is fun and its the first battle I've ever done. XD. I believe this is ready for judging. Terms
- 3 hits
- 1 dodge
- 3 days to reply, NO EXTENSIONS
- 3 posts each (an intro from one player, two battle posts each, and then one final post from the second player)
- 1000 word maximum
Posts: 3/3
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Hits 2/3
Dodges 1/1
Attacks
1. Leaped forward from a partial rear and struck out with her front hooves, hoping to hit flesh or surprise her opponent just enough to unbalance her briefly.
2. Started to walk toward Marcella, her neck extended out and her chin tucked down over her throat, then increased through an uneven trot to an uneven canter, aiming to either bite Marcella in the Achilles tendon or to get another grip on her neck wound and use her weight and gravity to try to drag her down. 3. Charged toward Marcella. Spun around when she was near enough to her, Ayyad struck out with her hind legs, hoping to strike her in the cheek or lower jaw and either dislocate or break either one of them.
Injuries
1. Moderately deep slice on her right shoulder that is bleeding, a bruised right shoulder, likely with a small fracture, causing a prominent limp on that side. Will scar after healing. 2. Bite on the top of her neck, a couple bleeding gashes and missing mane, will leave a scar and she will always be missing mane from that location.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2018 1:00:32 GMT -7
Name- Marcella Breed- clydesdale x friesian x gyspy vanner x shire x vlaamperd Age- 8yrs Gender- Mare Height- 18.2hh Alliance- Dark Health- 70%
Injuries: 1. Small slice cut on her neck, moderate bleeding 2. A bite on her knee, causing minor bleeding and bruising. Be lame for two weeks while healing. 3. Opened the bite wound more while charging her next attack, bleeding is more and leave a large scar when healed. 4. Hairline fracture on her cheekbone, server bruising, make eating and talking difficult.
It can now be judged
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The Outsider walks among us
riposte and tear until it is done
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They/them
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10,841 posts
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Post by + ebonite + on Jan 21, 2018 16:23:19 GMT -7
I will tally. Waiting on judge collection: Yes Judge 1 Collection: Collected Judge 2 Collection: Collected Tally-ing Scores: Yes
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The Outsider walks among us
riposte and tear until it is done
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They/them
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10,841 posts
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points
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Addict
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Post by + ebonite + on Jan 24, 2018 22:15:27 GMT -7
Seasalt with Marcella Quality over Quantity: 5 Comments: - First post makes it seem like she’s just standing around waiting for her opponent to show up, which doesn’t go with the setting for the battle. She would be lining up and charging at the other side, not just standing around getting bored. Additionally, as stated in the main battle post, the matchups are an ooc thing, so Marcella would have no prior knowledge of her opponent. - Many sentences that start with “she”, “her”, “Marcella”, or something similar. Her first post has two sentences starting with “She snorted more” in the same paragraph. - Pronouns switch which horse they’re referring to mid-sentence, making the action harder to follow - Several run-on sentences with grammar mistakes, words that can be changed to make a sentence run more smoothly. Overuse of the same words, overuse of commas.
No God Modeling or Power Playing: 8 Comments: - When Marcella is first attacked, bit on the neck by Ayyad, she completely stands still and does not react to being bitten and having a laceration on her neck. I feel almost as if she's acting invincible for this. - After her first attack, she both moves away and turns all the way around again without a chance for Ayyad to attack if she wanted to. - She also moves away and licks her wound without giving Ayyad a chance to attack between her second and third attacks.
Realism of Attack: 5.5 Comments: - When Marcella is first attacked, bit on the neck by Ayyad, she completely stands still and does not react to being bitten and having a laceration on her neck. This is very unrealistic, as any horse would react to a wound. - "Doing this stretched the bite wound more, creating a larger wound, and blood was running down her leg, like she been kicked like mad" - Stretching does not make a wound larger, but just reopens it and sets it up for more bleeding because it's unable to clot/heal. It's very unrealistic for the wound to rip larger. - It doesn’t seem like there would be enough space between them for the charge before her first attack. - Ayyad’s first attack should have affected her more – it seems unfair to decide that the attack was weak without using, say, a dodge to reduce its effect. - Though the slippery terrain was mentioned, it didn’t seem to actually have an effect on her. - Though her wounds were mentioned, it would have been nice to see them having more of an effect on her. - Having a chance to move away and lick her wound isn’t realistic
Attack Compared to Opponent: 8.5 Comments: - Used the positioning from previous attacks well. - It was clear in her attacks what she was doing and where she was aiming - More detail would have been nice - While attacks matched Ayyad's, responding well to them, I feel Ayyad's were more well thought.
Completion of the Form: 10 Comments: - Completed
Spelling and Grammar: 1 Comments: - Many errors Examples are in the spoiler tag below:
- “to rule the land which truly belong to them.” – “which” should be “that”, belong should be belonged. - “It was going to fun to kick this arse opponent to the dusk.” – left out “be” in “to be fun”, ass is generally a noun and not an adjective (though this could be a regional difference), “to the dusk” would make more sense as “into the dust” - “The mud mark showing her helkare brand, showing what side she was fighting for.” – incomplete sentence. Either the first “showing” should be “showed” or there should be a comma and the rest of a sentence after “fighting for” (ex. The mark showing her brand, showing what side she was fighting for, was displayed proudly on her body.) Also Helkaer is misspelled and not capitalized. - “Marcella really wished she could have gotten something to eat before the fight, her bloodlust for meat was calling” – comma should be a period or a semicolon. - “since her body have given birth to devil spawn” – have should be had - “The terrine was her favourite too, snow covered with slippery looking mud.” – misspelling of terrain, slippery looking should have a hyphen - “She watched for any weak points which might cause her trouble, but she would use it for her advantage though.” – “which” should be “that”, “use it to her advantage”, last part is awkwardly phrased. - “She snorted more as she wanted to get this battle over with, she wanted to eat more.” – “snorted again” makes more sense than “snorted more”, should be a comma before “as”, the comma in the original sentence should be a semicolon or period. - “Her thistle purple orbs, were looking around” – no comma needed - “as she was growing” – “as she grew” would be better here. - “She snorted more and the wind blew against her face, and she was enjoying chill breeze in her face.” – “snorted more” would be better as “snorted again” or “snorted once more”, should be “enjoying the chill breeze”, repetition of “her face” - “snorted more, as she swished her tassel , showing just now bored and pissed off with waiting as she was.” – another instance of “snorted more”, comma between more and as shouldn’t be there. - “She never fought a battle” – should be “she had never” - “She was sister to the ex helkar Vulcan for starters.” – Helkaer misspelled and not capitalized, “ex Helkaer” needs a hyphen, comma needed after Vulcan. - “Her white brotherhood mark on her shoulder, showed her bloodline” – comma not needed - “and many equines tremble with their name.” – “tremble” should be “trembled” - “Marcella was planning her moves more, as she was taller she had some advantage over her.” – “planning her moves more” is incorrect phrasing, she/her switches from referring to Marcella to referring to Ayyad mid-sentence. (Last her would be better as something like “the other mare”). - “Still she wouldn't get too over her head.” – comma needed after still, should be “too far over”. - “Marcella pinned her auds against her own cranium as she came at her.” – pronouns switching objects - “Standing strong at her stance” – “at” should be “in” - “Flirts frailed towards her, and she watched them slice a small wound onto her body” – Misspelling of “flints” and “trailed”, “onto” should be “into”. - “The blood wasn't lot” – should be “a lot”, but this is awkward phrasing and would be better as something like “There wasn’t a lot of blood” - “Marcella didn't know the attack was suppose to do,” – should be “know what the attack”, “suppose” should be “supposed” - “You neutrals are bunch of losers, and sooner you are wiped out the better"” – should be “a bunch”, should be “the sooner”, comma needed after “better” - “she bad mouthed her, as she prepared her attack.” – badmouthed is one word, comma not needed. - “Tucking her dial into her chest to protect her vital blood vessels from her nape, she charge herself and went she was about contact distance, she spun around and lifted her hind flints up in the air and struck out, hoping to hit the mare's shoulder or ribs.” – this sentence could be split into two, it’s a bit unwieldy. “charge” should be “charged”, “went” should be “when”, “when she was about contact distance” is awkward phrasing (when she was close enough to make contact?), comma instead of the “and” in “and lifted” - “As she place her backlegs back down,” – “place” should be “placed”, back legs is two words - “to protect her rump from a another attack, while she moved forward” – “a” shouldn’t be there, period or semicolon instead of the comma - “herself stupidly from slippery slush of snow.” – “from” should be “from the”, or even better, something like “due to the” - “The ebony mare stood head on again, as she waited to see what attack this pathetic weak creature would pull next, as hoped that her attack made it mark, this fight was going to hers and she knew this in her heart lot.” – run-on sentence, comma after “again” not needed, comma needed between pathetic and weak, no comma after “next”, “and hoped” instead of “as hoped”, “had made its mark” instead of “made it mark”, period or semicolon instead of the comma after “mark”, should be “going to be hers”, “lot” not needed after heart. - “Blood and gore was something she enjoyed, especially since she love meat.” – “was something” should be “were things that”, “love” should be “loved” - “make sure it end up more bloody” – “end” should be “ended” - “She would love to have deeper gash, so she would have trophy scar to show her brother and father.” “have a deeper gash”, comma not needed, “a trophy scar” - “Even the helkar would be impressed with her, and might even trained her to fight some more as well.” – Helkaer misspelled and not capitalized, “trained” should be “train”, “fight some more as well” is awkward phrasing - “Marcella didn't want to admit it, her inexperience was showing, and errors were made, that cause her sloppy fighting and attacks.” – “but” before “her inexperience”, comma after showing not needed, “were” should be “were being”, “that cause” should be “causing” - “and she was please” – “please” should be “pleased” - “She eyed that there was bleeding where she hit.” – “eyed” doesn’t make sense on this context. “saw” would be better - “She snorted and pinned her auds, as she saw the attack.” – no comma needed - “She rose onto her hindlegs, and being slow,” – hind legs is two words, in this case the comma would be better after “and” - “Luckily her tendon was intact, and while the mare hit her target, Marcella reached down towards her crest line.” – comma after luckily, comma before while, “line” not needed - “She opened her mouth, and aimed to bite along this vulnerable spot, she hoped that she managed to rip some skin, and hair from the roots. Creating more pain for the mare.” – comma after mouth not needed, period or semicolon instead of the comma after spot, “had managed”, comma after skin not needed, “Creating more pain for the mare” is not a complete sentence, should be a comma instead of a period after roots. - “as she saw more blood coming from her leg” – “as” not needed - “She reached down and licked it, and smacked her lips, just like the foal would do when it wants milk.” – awkward phasing “reached down, licked it, and smacked her lips” or “and licked it, smacking her lips” would be better, comma before “just” not needed - “She knew this would piss the injury more” – “piss” should be “piss off” - “She leaped forward” – leaped should be leapt - “was running down her leg, like she been kicked like mad.” – comma not needed, missing had in she had been - “she reared onto her hindlegs,” – hind legs is two words - “She kicked her front legs out, and as she came down, she opened her maw.” – comma needed before as - “Then using her ivories, she aimed to go for her left eye, and mark a nasty bite.” – comma needed after then, “to go” not needed, comma after eye not needed, “mark” isn’t the right word here - “She hoped that this would hit, possible her flints hit her while they were coming down.” – “possible her flints hit her” should be “and it was possible that her flints could hit her” - “Marcella waited to see what this mare would do back, as she hoping for more scars on her body, and she wouldn't avoid any attacks from this mare, dodging attacks were for weaklings.” – “would do back” is incorrect phrasing. Semicolon or period instead of comma before dodging - "The big arse battle and for the darks to rule the land which truly belong to them." - Belong should be belongs or belonged. - "The mud mark showing her helkare brand," - Helkare is supposed to be Helkaer - "Marcella really wished she could have gotten something to eat before the fight, her bloodlust for meat was calling and since her body have given birth to devil spawn," On the comma after fight, it should be "before the fight. Her bloodlust.." or "before the fight; her bloodlust..". - "The terrine was her favourite too," - Terrine should be Terrain. - "She watched for any weak points which might cause her trouble, but she would use it for her advantage though." - Though does not fit here, should be "anyways" or "anyhow". - "Her thistle purple orbs, were looking around for that" - Comma does not belong after orbs. - "The battle was getting started and the ebony mare was getting ready." - Should be a comma after "started, and" - " She was sister to the ex helkar Vulcan" - Helkar should be Helkaer, as well it should be ex-Helkaer. - "Marcella didn't know the attack was suppose to do," - Suppose should be supposed, and it should be "Marcella didn't know what the attack was supposed to do,". - " You neutrals are bunch of losers," - Should be "You neutrals are a bunch of losers,". - "from her nape, she charge herself and went" - Charge should be charged - "As she place her backlegs back down," - Place should be placed, backlegs should be Back legs. - "since she love meat." - Love should be loved or loves. - "and she was please." - Please should be pleased. - "The fight was getting bloody and she was going to make sure it end up more bloody." - Should have a comma after bloody. - " She would love to have deeper gash," - Should be "would love to have a deeper gash" - "Even the helkar would be" - Should be Helkaer - "Marcella didn't want to admit it, her inexperience was showing," - After admit it, it should be "admit it;her..." or "admit it. Her..." - "She opened her mouth, and aimed to bite along this vulnerable spot," - Shouldn't have a comma after mouth. "as she hoping for more scars on her body," - Should be "as she was hoping..." or "as she hoped".
Total: 38
Zantalia with Ayyad Quality over Quantity: 7.5 Comments: - She shouldn’t know who her opponent is before they charge. As stated in the main thread, the match-ups are something that happen purely ooc, so Ayyad wouldn’t know who her opponent is before they meet on the battlefield. - Good variety of sentence structure, but watch for run-ons. - Would have liked to see more of the setting in her posts.
No God Modeling or Power Playing: 9.5 Comments: - After her second attack, she’s written as moving away. The way the post is written doesn’t seem to leave room for Marcella to strike before she moves. (Marcella does manage to fit an attack in anyways though)
Realism of Attack: 8 Comments: - Second and third attacks have her charging toward her opponent. In a real battle, the horses tend to stay close to each other, and it didn’t seem like there would be enough space between the two for the charges described. - Her wounds affected her, which was nice to see. - The terrain also affected her.
Attack Compared to Opponent: 8 Comments: - It was very unclear where she was located in relation to Marcella during her first attack. - Better in terms of taking injuries and terrain into account. - Second attack is a bit confusing – extending her neck and keeping her chin on her chest are pretty much opposite movements. - Though descriptions were more detailed, the attacks themselves were less clear.
Completion of the Form: 9.5 Comments: - Health didn’t go down in her last post even though she dodged only one of Marcella’s two attacks.
Spelling and Grammar: 6 Comments: - Many errors in her first post, the others were a bit better Examples in the spoiler tag:
- “The fiery cloaked, mixed blood, Dark Allied mare moved casually toward the battlefield” – fiery cloaked and mixed blood should both be hyphenated, allied doesn’t need to be capitalized. - “Now, she was allied with the Darks sure,” – unnecessary comma after “now”, need a comma in front of “sure”. - “Throwing her snow marked facade her steel gray chasms scanned her surroundings as she walked, it was Winter, but it was one of the few warmer days of the season.” – “snow marked” needs a hyphen, comma needed after facade, should be a period or semicolon after “walked” - “Her Winter coat was thick and full,” – winter doesn’t need to be capitalized in this context - “the just rising sun” – hyphen needed in “just-rising” -“ that were to take a part in this fight.” – “a” isn’t needed here - “They were all lining up facing each other, as she approached the line for the Neutral allies, her chasms landed upon her opponent.” – run-on sentence - “A larger equine and she had that despised mark on her frame.” – comma needed after equine - “her slender Spanish-like frame” – comma needed after slender - “she gauged her surroundings and her opponent a little bit closer.” – awkward word use - “perhaps a little bit thicker also” – “also” should be “too” - “The ground was covered in several, thick inches of snow” – doesn’t need the comma - “The sky nearly matched her orbs with its covering, perhaps there would be more snow later on.” – period or semicolon instead of comma - “prove some difficulty for the battle” – awkward phrasing - “but herself and her opponent” – “herself” should be “she” - “Whatever happened this would be fun and as she thought about what she would do.” – the two parts of this sentence seem unrelated. Grammatically, comma needed after “happened”, comma needed after “fun”, “as” not needed - “With a second smirk she lowered her skull and pawed the ground.” – comma needed after “smirk” - “Leaping forward from a partial rear, or at least trying to, her hind hooves slipped just a little as Ayyad lowered her skull over her throat and struck out with her front hooves hoping to strike the flesh of her opponent or at least surprise her enough to unbalance her while she figured out her next move against the onyx minx.” – This sentence gets really long and meandering. It would be better to break it up into a few shorter ones. Comma needed between “hooves” and “hoping”. - “in the slushy snowy mud” – comma needed between slushy and snowy. - “it was something fun she got to do” – “it” not needed here, this whole sentence is a bit awkwardly worded - “Similar to what Ayyad had done” – “It was similar” would be better - “The impact hurt, alot” – “a lot” is two words, comma not needed - “Thankfully it was not overly hot and though she still felt the pain in her” – comma needed before “though” _ “then extended her nape out, while keeping her chin drawn to her chest.” – comma not needed - “The closer to the other mare that she got, she increased her pace again, her limp even more noticeable the quicker she moved and then, with her nape like a snake she reached out to bite at the mare.” – “again” isn’t needed, comma needed after snake - “and the Achilles tendons there-in and while moving her injured shoulder” – “therein” is one word, comma needed between “and” and “while” - “to try and drag her down” – “and” should be “to” - “Her most recent attack was noticed by her opponent, as they drew closer to one another, her onyx dyed adversary reared up but Aya's attack succeeded.” – period or semicolon instead of comma after opponent - “Her ivories didn't sink into the tendon, but she caught the mare on her right knee, but as her own enamels sank into the knee, she felt the other mare's ivories sink into the crest of her nape and as the pair drew away from each other, Aya felt the skin being yanked and then a squeal escaped her maw as a small bit of the flesh was torn off her nape, likely with a couple of strands of her mane along with it.” – long unwieldy sentence, needs to be broken up - “As she found solid purchase again, Aya spun around and faced her opponent.” – I didn’t think they were positioned in a way that required spinning around - “When the Helkaer ally struck out at her with her front hooves, before baring her ivories and attempting to strike her in the left eye, or at least somewhere upon her facade” – “when” not needed, comma after hooves not needed - “but she sprang out of reach of the mare, but just barely.” – awkward phrasing - “she felt the pain as it shot through the shoulder” – the shoulder should be her shoulder - “and struck out with her hind knives and struck toward the other mare's face.” – repeat of “and struck” - “and either dislocating one or the other or breaking either of them.” – awkward phrasing - “a safe distance from her adversary waiting.” – comma needed after adversary - little bit of revenge on the Helkaer, that satisfied her and she smirked a little as she watched her opponent. – comma after Helkaer should be a period or semicolon - “Aya had to give her some credit, she'd been a worthy adversary.” – semicolon or period instead of the period after adversary - "Leaping forward from a partial rear, or at least trying to," - Should be "Leaping forward from a partial rear;or at least trying to," - "As soon as she'd made her attack she darted away again.." Should be a comma after "her attack, she".
Total: 40.5
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2018 14:39:25 GMT -7
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Wolf Blood At Heart. No Doubts, No Regrets.
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Addict
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Post by Wolf Heart on Jan 25, 2018 19:18:17 GMT -7
@seasalt Thanks! And on my first ever battle post. You weren't too bad yourself.
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