[aliyaah]

HELKAER VS NEUTRAL WAR

decide your fate. 

Aislinn vs Dr Burke

Climate:
It is winter, but it's a warmer day. The warring parties arrive early in the morning, just as the sun is rising. There is snow on the ground, several inches thick, and slushy - mixing with the mud it has happened beneath it. The sky above is cloud covered, perhaps it will snow later on, but if it does it will be light snow - pretty, despite the destruction that will be happening on the land below.

Battle Terms:
- 3 hits
- 1 dodge
- 3 days to reply, NO EXTENSIONS
- 3 posts each (an intro from one player, two battle posts each, and then one final post from the second player)
- 1000 word maximum

Other Info:
- Those siding with the Helkaer will have the Helkaer "fire brand" painted in mud/earth upon them so you can recognize who they side with.
- All other regular battle rules still apply so be sure to address the battle thread for rules. 
- Please see the main thread for any other info: Click. This includes info on how the groups approached the battle and what not, so be sure you read it over. 

Upon random draw, ➳ T e c h n o ➳ will be posting first, followed by @seasalt . 
Good luck!

THANKS ANNECORDELIA

[➳ T e c h n o ➳]

The day of reckoning had come for the Neutral Kingdom. They would be quashed by the flames that burned at the heels of the Helkaer, and their followers. It was pathetic to see them still struggling to survive, especially when the Helkaer was clearly ahead. There had been rumors of the lands being set alight by the brotherhood. This rumor brought great excitement to the bay mare, her excitement was only swelling with each step. The masses of bodies on either side of her created this immense wave of heat, a massive beast marching to the beat of true destruction. Her vibrant blue gaze was shaded by her ochre lids in an attempt to keep the rising sun from blinding her. The layer of snow beneath the feat of the beast of the brotherhood and their supporters gave way to their heavy hooves. Its pristine ivory colour was quickly marred with more mud  from the dirt below. It would soon be stained with blood, creating a masterpiece of destruction. In the distance before her, she could see the silhouettes of equines varying in size and shape. There were no details she could discern yet, not with the sun at their backs. She let out a steadying breath, unable to ignore how her heart raced now. Today would be the beginning of the end, and the day this war would end. Their victory was so close she could almost taste it. It was bitter, cold, and mixed with the flavor of iron. Aislinn imagined that anyway. The approach of the other lines drew closer, and their features began to paint themselves in places where the shadow had been. The world stilled for a few brief moments, and then the thunderous sound of dozens of hooves roared to life. Her well-toned frame moved with ease beside her brethren with great vigor, eager to show just how dedicated she was to the Helkaer. The stench of a stallion filled her nares as she descended upon the creature, throwing herself in his direction as much as she assumed he was. There was no sound other than the thunder of hooves and shrieks into the sky. The screams of her brethren beside her encouraged her flight. Aislinn was quick on her feet, and her blue gaze soon settled upon her target. A painted hessian, the only features she was able to discern in the chaos was his color. It was not one she had seen before and strange symbol upon his body. She sported her own strange symbols, a skull upon her flank, and the brand of the brotherhood on her right shoulder. Aislinn could not quell her eager desire to collide herself against the stallion in her direct path, and soon enough they would collide. Words: 462 Tag: @seasalt Notes: Introduction post Hits: 0/2 used Dodges: 0/1 used Posts: 1/3 posted Name- Aislinn Breed- Mustang x Lustiano x Thoroughbred x Quarab Age- Five Gender- Mare Height- 16.1 Alliance- Dark Health- 100%

[Deleted]

Name- Dr. Burke
Breed- Georgian Grande Horse
Age- 7yrs
Gender- Stallion
Height- 16.3hh
Alliance- Dark
Health- 100% Physically
30% Mentally

The time have finally come. The stallion wanted to make things right for his soul which was currently stolen and held in Utopia. This was very confusing for him as he wasn't the type to go through the pearly gates of heavens. He knew he mostly likely go there after all the deeds he have done, but he wasn';t worried for that right now. He didn't understand why a demon wanted him anyway, he wasn't the wickeress stallion around in the Wild Equines. There were far worse studs than him. He could use his stick trick for the fight on hard, but he was going against that, since it wouldn't be far, and he doesn't used his medical instruments for fights like this.

He stepped into the ground, his flints were stepping into the snow terrine, making the crunching sounds, as the snow wasn't used and it was like it was freshly laid and fallen. The clouds were foaming, showing it was potential for more snow, it would be nice as his mostly ivory body would be difficult to see, like he was a ghost in the making. His ivory orbs were watching the other equine, which was fighting for the traitor said, her pelt was rust like the burning fire. Burke didn't see a problem for the fight, as she wasn;t a grullo, a colour that he was attracted to for some reason.

Standing proudly, he swished his tassel against his hocks and he was sizing this competion. He was going to enjoy this and show that neutrals wouldn't take any messing from anyone. They wouldn't be weak either. He snorted and some mist release from from his nares, as he flicked his tassel more against his hocks gently. The grounds would soon shake with this dancing around, he pawed the ground shifting some of the snow a little too. "Ladies first", he spoke and waited to see what this mare could do now.


words - 300+
tagged - ➳ T e c h n o ➳
muse - Good
notes – Good Luck

------------------------

Battle Terms
- 3 hits
- 1 dodge
- 3 days to reply, NO EXTENSIONS
- 3 posts each (an intro from one player, two battle posts each, and then one final post from the second player)
- 1000 word maximum

__________________

Hits: 0/3
Dodges: 0/1
Attacks: None
Injuries: None

[➳ T e c h n o ➳]

Her opponent took the route of a gentleman, he did not throw himself into the fray like so many around them. It was an unusual strategy, and one Aislinn would be sure to try and exploit. The bay mare laughed when he offered for her to go first. A stupid move, everything about him seemed out of place here. This wasn't a game, this was war. "Chivalry will get you nowhere, or if I'm lucky, dead." She hissed at him, her auds pinned against her skull. Her lips twitched into a grimace, exposing her enamels to him. Aislinn hated his demeanor, she hated everything their enemies stood for. There was a tide of anger that was rising in her, tossing its turbulent waves into her limbs. Her heart pounded in anticipation, waiting for the world to cease this slow-motion effect over her. Aislinn was shorter than the hessian, but not by much, and hopefully, that would prove to be an advantage for her. Aislinn began to move after studying him for a few moments. A battling pair to her right moved out of her way while they scrapped. This gave her a window of opportunity to gain some momentum. Her muscular frame shot off to the left of her opponent, her limbs eating up the arc-shaped path she was carving for herself. Aislinn wasted no time, her speed was nearly maxed out as she ran to collide with him. As she drew close, her hind legs halted her quick motion. She threw the momentum to her front as she rose up onto her hind legs, the muscles in her flank pulling taut as she did so. Aislinn struck out at the left side of his face with her front daggers, aiming to hit any part of his face. The force of her movement was dwindling, and gravity was starting to pull her down. Aislinn used the last bit of force she had saved to snake her neck down and to her right towards a vulnerable point just under his head. Aislinn was aiming to tear the flesh off the front of his throat should she succeed. Aislinn couldn't wait to feel the sensation of contact, or for that to register in her brain. It would be a more glorious attack if she could taste the crimson liquid flowing from him. Words: 389 Tag: @seasalt Notes: Second Post Hits: 2/3 used Dodges: 0/1 used Posts: 2/3 posted Attacks: Ran towards his front left side, using her momentum to rear and strike towards his face Snaked her neck down using gravity to try and tear flesh from the front of his neck Injuries: N/A Name- Aislinn Breed- Mustang x Lustiano x Thoroughbred x Quarab Age- Five Gender- Mare Height- 16.1 Alliance- Dark Health- 100%

[Deleted]

Name- Dr. Burke
Breed- Georgian Grande Horse
Age- 7yrs
Gender- Stallion
Height- 16.3hh
Alliance- Dark
Health- 85% Physically
30% Mentally

Burke did not want his future children be caught up in violence. Even though he was not allowed to see them after all he was a bastard then. His voices have been quiet for long time, and he did not know how that become to be true. It was like the mare Divine cured him (though this was impossible). Snapping out of his dream-line for now, he focus on the fight. The mare spoke of something and his champagne auds pricked forward to see what was being said. "Chivalry will get you nowhere, or if I'm lucky, dead." Burke have heard lot worse than this, so he did not bother speaking to this comment.

His ivory orbs spotted the absurd rust coated vixen charge towards him and he prepared himself for the attack, he stuck his dial into his chest, as he expected the vixen to tear at his nape. Though the vixen rose into the air, and Burke did not expect this form of the attack, and he could back up in time. He went to rear himself, but it was too late, as felt sharp pain hitting across his face, towards his left eye. The blood was forming inside his eye, making it hard for him to see from the left side.

Burke did not make any sound from the hit, as the blood stained his ivory marking. It would leave a nasty scar, but he was not blinded from the wound. While she was forcing on coming down from her own attack, he reached out, aiming to grab some and rip some hairs from the crest of her neck. If successful he would like to see some skin missing, and cause her pain too. While he did this attack, he felt her ivories latching onto his neck. He pulled back, and as he did it, some flesh was torn, leaving a small gap, with moderated bleeding from sit.

He tossed his dial as he trotted towards her and stopped pushing his own hind legs, to stretched his large frame. He was aiming to hit her on the right side of her face, hoping to slice into her own flesh the way she did to him. He stretched his right forelimb, he did not care what he hit, as longs it was something on the face. Once he executed his own attack, he slowly came back to earth, and landed heavily on all four, shaking the ground, making his own ground on her.

Burke stood his ground more, he might be blinded on his left side due to the blood, but he wasn't going to show this vixen that he was weak. He had dark blood in veins, but he didn't want the violence to rule anymore.

words - 459
tagged - ➳ T e c h n o ➳
muse - Great
notes – This is getting bloody

Battle Terms
- 3 hits
- 1 dodge
- 3 days to reply, NO EXTENSIONS
- 3 posts each (an intro from one player, two battle posts each, and then one final post from the second player)
- 1000 word maximum

__________________

Hits: 2/3
Dodges: 0/1
Attacks: 1. Aimed to bite and hoping to rip skin and hairs from her creast of her mane.
2. Reared up, hoping to hit anything on her right side of her face.
Injuries: 1. Large cut from middle of his forehead, down towrads his left eye. Bleeding is not life threatening. Would scar when heal.
2. Small wound under his throat. Moderate bleeding

[➳ T e c h n o ➳]

Aislinn felt a surge of triumph course through her bodice when her daggers made contact. Blood pooled in his eyes void of any visible iris or pupil. It poured from the center of his face between his eyes. The bay mare had noticed his attempt to rear, but barely got his front half off the ground. A wicked cackle full of mirth escaped her lips that were coated in his blood. The thick taste of iron rolled across her tongue, her bloodthirst sated for a fleeting moment. As she attempted to dance to just out of his reach he latched onto her mane, and tore. It ripped a large chunk of flesh from her neck, and she squealed in pain and fury. The stag did not stop there and reared towards her face, the brunt of his daggers slammed against her right cheek. Aislinn was stunned by the force of the blow, but she couldn't let this cloud her movements. She moved away from him, striking with her back feet this time, in an attempt put some distance between them. The bay mare's movements ceased a few feet away from him. There was a throbbing ache in her head, and along the top of her neck near her poll. The blood cascaded down her nape like a crimson waterfall. The wound stung in the cold winter air, further irritated by the snowflakes that began to fall. Had she been allowed another swipe at him, she would have made him pay. Aislinn snarled as she looked at him, waiting for his last move. "I vow, someday I will make you pay." She hissed with hatred in each word. They dripped an nontactile venom. Her cheek throbbed with the movement of her jaw, stirring her to wonder if he'd broken something. Aislinn braced her bodice for his next move. Words: 307 Tag: @seasalt Notes: Final Post Hits: 3/3 used Dodges: 0/1 used Posts: 3/3 posted Attacks: Ran towards his front left side, using her momentum to rear and strike towards his face Snaked her neck down using gravity to try and tear flesh from the front of his neck Kicked with her back legs after she moved away from him, following his attack to her face. Injuries: 2 inch tear along her crest, just behind her poll. No hair will grow for at least six months, and will be stunted Serious bruishing to the bone in her right cheek, will make talking and eating difficult Final injury will be determined by Misty's final attack, Aislinn will use no dodges. Name- Aislinn Breed- Mustang x Lustiano x Thoroughbred x Quarab Age- Five Gender- Mare Height- 16.1 Alliance- Dark Health- 100%

[Deleted]

Name- Dr. Burke
Breed- Georgian Grande Horse
Age- 7yrs
Gender- Stallion
Height- 16.3hh
Alliance- Dark
Health- 80% Physically
30% Mentally

The fight was brutal and very bloody. But it was to expected since fighting was not with pillows or leaves. Hooves and ivories were used, and they do tear into flesh. Duel have been in the pass for the stallion, he was not practising his skills with another, he was using them for real. His head was killing him, due to the cut on his head, and the blood forming in his left orb was annoying more than anything else. He wanted it to stop bleeding right now, so he was able to concreted lot more. Planing the final attack took lot planning in his dial as he did not know what this mare was going to do next.

His attacks were successful and hit the mark what he needed. He saw the missing strands of her mane, where he ripped them out from the roots. He could not see clearly if the skin has been torn and bleeding. But his best attack he saw was that his hit on her cheek. She did not seem too that and he was glad. It was meant to hurt her. He snorted as he saw her next attack. Wanting to protect his front legs from the attack, he aimed his chest, just in time to feel the blow.

He gritted his ivories together as it hurt like a son of a bitch. Especially when he breathed in. Hoof print bruised his skin, and black marks showed bleeding under the skin. Burke didn't know he have had a crack rib, and holding himself together he snaked his dial out and pushed his front legs out, stretchering his body forward, long enough to reach her shoulder side. This position made his ribs ache more, but he ironged this. He was looking at his target where he wanted to strike.

Her front legs were exposed and he aimed to hit the tendon preferable, but anything was good, as he wanted to add more blood onto her body, just like she did to him. He was careful not to slip on the horrible ground , as he didn't want to cause himself a injury more. He stood now proudly and waited for the outcome, as he could not do anymore than he did.

words - 376
tagged - ➳ T e c h n o ➳
muse - Good
notes – Good luck hun

Battle Terms

- 3 hits
- 1 dodge
- 3 days to reply, NO EXTENSIONS
- 3 posts each (an intro from one player, two battle posts each, and then one final post from the second player)
- 1000 word maximum



__________________



Hits: 3/3
Dodges: 0/1
Attacks: 1. Aimed to bite and hoping to rip skin and hairs from her creast of her mane.
2. Reared up, hoping to hit anything on her right side of her face.
3. Aimed to bite her font legs, aiming for her tendons
Injuries: 1. Large cut from middle of his forehead, down towrads his left eye. Bleeding is not life threatening. Would scar when heal.
2. Small wound under his throat. Moderate bleeding
3. Bleeding under skin on his barrel, would leave a server bruising. Crack two ribs, making breathing and moving diffcult.

[➳ T e c h n o ➳]

OOC Final Injuries per aliyaah request

Burke landed the bite on the back of her front left leg. There is serious bruising, bits of her flesh are missing near the very back of her front left leg. It will make walking and rest painful.

[❅ Icy Dragon ✩]

I will tally.
Waiting on judge collection: No
Judge 1 Collection: Collected
Judge 2 Collection: Collected
Tally-ing Scores: Yes

[❅ Icy Dragon ✩]

Roleplayer & Character: Techno with Aislinn
Quality over Quantity: 7.5
Comments:
- Remained focused on the battle
- Mentioned their surroundings and the battle going on around them.
- Posts were okay, but very short and to the point. I found much more detail could have been given, and at times posts were confusing to find out where Aislinn was. However, I do feel posts improved by the last post.
- There were a few sentences with repeated words - I would have liked to see more varied vocabulary there.
- "They would be quashed by the flames that burned at the heels of the Helkaer, and their followers. " - Quashed means to suppress or to destroy, not to be destroyed which is what I think they are trying to say here. Is it supposed to be squashed?
- "This rumor brought great excitement to the bay mare, her excitement was only swelling with each step. " Excitement is not needed twice in this sentence, it should be "This rumor brought great excitement to the bay mare which continued to rise with each step."
- "The layer of snow beneath the feat of the beast of the brotherhood and their supporters gave way to their heavy hooves. Its pristine ivory colour was quickly marred with more mud from the dirt below." - I found this sentence very confusing and had to read over it three times, trying to figure out when the new sentence started what "Its pristine ivory color" was, only to realize it was the layer of snow. I feel this could be worded much better by making it one full sentence.
- "It would soon be stained with blood, creating a masterpiece of destruction." Again, not specifying what "It" is.
- "The world stilled for a few brief moments" - Saying few and brief together is repetitive, it means the same thing.
- "Aislinn could not quell her eager desire to collide herself against the stallion in her direct path, and soon enough they would collide." Again, using the same word twice in a sentence, using collide twice. This can be reworded better.
No God Modeling or Power Playing: 8.5
Comments:
- None that I noticed.
- "Aislinn could not quell her eager desire to collide herself against the stallion in her direct path, and soon enough they would collide." - Not giving the option of colliding, when saying soon enough they will collide.
- "Aislinn wasted no time, her speed was nearly maxed out as she ran to collide with him." - Again, determining that Aislinn will indeed collide with him. Should be attempted to collide.
- "Aislinn struck out at the left side of his face with her front daggers, aiming to hit any part of his face." - Choosing the spot to hit is powerplaying. She should be aiming for the left side of her face, but not most definitely striking out at that place.
Realism of Attack: 9.5
Comments:
- Realistic
- Turning her back to her opponent to do her last attack seemed a bit odd – it would have made more sense as a move if he were already near her hindquarters.
Attack Compared to Opponent: 9
Comments:
- Her attacks were generally more clearly written, although after her last attack it was hard to tell which direction she was facing – she kicks out with her hind legs, then looks at him to speak to him.
- Last attack was pretty lackluster.
- I feel both players attacks were moderately even, and well balanced.
Completion of the Form: 9
Comments:
-Health did not decrease as she took injuries.
- Completed
Spelling and Grammar: 6.5
Comments:
- Quite a few errors
-"They would be quashed by the flames that burned at the heels of the Helkaer, and their followers." - Shouldn't be a comma after Helkaer.
"This rumor brought great excitement to the bay mare, her excitement was only swelling with each step." - The comma should not be separating the sentences in this way, as it's two different subjects. It should either be "...excitement to the bay mare, and her exitement...", or "...excitement to the bay mare. Her excitement..."
"Her opponent took the route of a gentleman, he did not throw himself into.." - After "gentleman", should be "gentleman;he", "gentleman, and he", or "gentleman. He.."
"This wasn't a game, this was war." after "game" should be "game;this", "game, and this", or "game. This.."
"Aislinn hated his demeanor, she hated.." - After "demeanor" should be "demeanor;this", "demeanor, and she", or "demeanor. She.."
- “especially when the Helkaer was clearly ahead.” – was should be were
- “This rumor brought great excitement to the bay mare, her excitement was only swelling with each step.” – repetition of “excitement”
- “The layer of snow beneath the feat of the beast of the brotherhood and their supporters gave way to their heavy hooves.” - Feat should be feet, beast should be plural
- “A painted hessian, the only features she was able to discern in the chaos was his color.” - Features should be singular
- “and strange symbol upon his body.” – incorrect phrasing
- “Aislinn could not quell her eager desire to collide herself against the stallion in her direct path, and soon enough they would collide.” – repetition of “collide”
- “and one Aislinn would be sure to try and exploit.” – try to exploit
- “Aislinn wasted no time, her speed was nearly maxed out as she ran to collide with him.” – comma should be either a period or a semicolon
- “The bay mare had noticed his attempt to rear, but barely got his front half off the ground.” – incorrect phrasing
- “The stag did not stop there and reared towards her face, the brunt of his daggers slammed against her right cheek.” – replace the comma with a semicolon or period
- “in an attempt put some distance between them.” Attempt to put

Total: 50




Roleplayer & Character: Misty with Dr. Burke
Quality over Quantity: 6
Comments:
- To-the-point posts focused on the fight.
- Grammar errors made parts of posts difficult to understand.
- "He stepped into the ground" - doesn't make sense? How does he step in the ground? If ground was changed to snow or mud it would make sense.
- "He stepped into the ground, his flints were stepping into the snow terrine, making the crunching sounds, as the snow wasn't used and it was like it was freshly laid and fallen." - Sentence running on, should be reworded or broken into two sentences. Stepping into the ground and stepping into the snow is repetitive.
- Major overuse of commas, sentences that end where they shouldn't end, sentences that run on and should be broken up and separated/ended earlier. Too many examples to list.
- First paragraph of first post is very confusing. He is confused about why an angel would want his soul when he’s not the type to go to Utopia, but then he can’t understand why a demon wanted him?
- Very little mention of the setting – no indication that this fight is taking place as part of a mass battle.
No God Modeling or Power Playing: 9.5
Comments:
- "he stuck his dial into his chest, as he expected the vixen to tear at his nape." - Burke cannot predict an equines attack.
- None that I noticed.
Realism of Attack: 9
Comments:
- Realistic.
- Seems unrealistic to stop on the battlefield in the middle of a war and offer the horse charging toward him the chance to go first.
- Mentions him trotting towards her when it seemed like their last moves hadn’t placed them very far apart.
Attack Compared to Opponent: 8.5
Comments:
- I feel both players attacks were moderately even, and well balanced.
- His second attack was basically the same as her first one.
- He did more damage overall.
- Second attack could have been written more clearly. I had to check the notes at the bottom to be sure of what had happened.
Completion of the Form: 10
Comments:
- Form was completed.
- Completed
Spelling and Grammar: 1
Comments:
"The time have finally come" - Have should be Had or Has.
"This was very confusing for him as he wasn't the type to go through the pearly gates of heavens" - Heavens should be heaven.
"He knew he mostly likely go there after all the deeds he have done, but he wasn';t worried for that right now." - Should be "He knew he would most likely go there after all the deeds he had done, but he wasn't worried about that right now."
"He didn't understand why a demon wanted him anyway, he wasn't the wickeress stallion around in the Wild Equines." - "Anyway" is not needed, and wickeress is spelled wrong. It should be "He didn't understand why a demon wanted him, he wasn't the most wicked stallion around in Wild Equines."
"...his flints were stepping into the snow terrine," - Terrine should be Terrain
"Burke didn't see a problem for the fight, as she wasn;t a grullo, " - 'wasn;t' should be Wasn't
"Standing proudly, he swished his tassel against his hocks and he was sizing this competion." - Competion should be Competition
" He snorted and some mist release from from his nares," - from is there twice.
"..Divine cured him (though this was impossible)." - Should be a period after impossible in the brackets as well as outside.
"Burke have heard lot worse than this," - Have should be has or had
"with moderated bleeding from sit." Sit should be it.
"He stretched his right forelimb, he did not care what he hit, " - After forelimb it should be, "forelimb, and he", "forelimb;he", or "forelimb. He.."
"Once he executed his own attack, he slowly came back to earth, and" - Comma is incorrect after earth.
" Duel have been in the pass for the stallion, he was not practising" - Have should be has or had, practising should be practicing. After stallion it should be "stallion, and he", "stallion;he", or "stallion. He"
"She did not seem too that and he was glad." - Should be "She did not seem to do that, and he was glad."
"This position made his ribs ache more, but he ironged this." - No idea what word ironged it supposed to be. Ironed?
"Her front legs were exposed and he aimed to hit the tendon preferable, ..." - Should be "Her front legs were exposed, and he aimed..."
"Her front legs were exposed and he aimed to hit the tendon preferable, but anything was good, as he wanted to add more blood onto her body, just like she did to him. " - Way overuse of commas, not needed.
- “The time have finally come.” – Have should be had
- “The stallion wanted to make things right for his soul which was currently stolen and held in Utopia.” – should be a comma after soul
- “He knew he mostly likely go there after all the deeds he have done, but he wasn';t worried for that right now.” – “mostly” should be “would most” if he’s thinking that he would go to Utopia, or “mostly likely” could be “wasn’t likely to” if he thinks it’s odd that he’s going to Utopia. Additionally, typo in wasn’t.
- “He didn't understand why a demon wanted him anyway, he wasn't the wickeress stallion around in the Wild Equines.” – Should have a period or semicolon after anyway and wickeress should be wickedest.
- “He could use his stick trick for the fight on hard, but he was going against that, since it wouldn't be far, and he doesn't used his medical instruments for fights like this.” – Typos: far should be fair and used should be use.
- “stepping into the snow terrine” – Misspelling of terrain
- “making the crunching sounds”, - the doesn’t need to be there
- “The clouds were foaming, showing it was potential for more snow, it would be nice” Forming makes more sense here than foaming. “it was potential” is incorrect phrasing. Comma after snow should be a period or semicolon.
- His ivory orbs were watching the other equine, which was fighting for the traitor said, her pelt was rust like the burning fire. – said should be side, comma after side should be a period or semicolon.
- “Burke didn't see a problem for the fight, as she wasn;t a grullo,” – typo in wasn’t
- “and he was sizing this competion.” – awkward phrasing (and he was sizing up his competition?), typo in competition
- “neutrals wouldn't take any messing from anyone” – awkward phasing
- “He snorted and some mist release from from his nares, as he flicked his tassel more against his hocks gently.” – release should be released, from typed twice in a row, comma after nares isn’t needed
- “The grounds would soon shake with this dancing around, he pawed the ground shifting some of the snow a little too” – comma after around should be period or semicolon.
- “Burke did not want his future children be caught up in violence. Even though he was not allowed to see them after all he was a bastard then.” – comma after “violence”, period between “them” and “after”, comma after “after all”
- “His voices have been quiet for long time, and he did not know how that become to be true.” – voices had been, how that had come to be true
- “he focus on the fight” should be he focused on the fight
- “Burke have heard lot worse than this,” – had heard
- “and he prepared himself for the attack, he stuck his dial” – comma should be semicolon or period
- “Though the vixen rose into the air, and Burke did not expect this form of the attack, and he could back up in time.” – awkward phasing
- “He went to rear himself, but it was too late, as felt sharp pain hitting across his face, towards his left eye.” – there should be a “he” between “as” and “felt”
- “Burke did not make any sound from the hit, as the blood stained his ivory marking.” – unnecessary comma
- “While she was forcing on coming down from her own attack,” – “forcing on” is incorrect phrasing
- “He pulled back, and as he did it, some flesh was torn, leaving a small gap, with moderated bleeding from sit.” – unnecessary commas between “it” and “some” and “gap” and “with”, sit should be it.
- “and stopped pushing his own hind legs, to stretched his large frame.” – comma after stopped, with his own hind legs, no comma needed after legs, stretched should be stretch
- “hoping to slice into her own flesh” – own isn’t needed here
- “He stretched his right forelimb, he did not care what he hit, as longs it was something on the face.” – period or semicolon after forelimb, as long as
- “he slowly came back to earth, and landed heavily on all four” – comma not necessary, on all fours or on all four legs
- “making his own ground on her.” – awkward phrasing
- “Burke stood his ground more, he might be blinded” – semicolon or period instead of comma
- “The fight was brutal and very bloody. But it was to expected” – period should be a comma, was to be expected”
- “Duel have been in the pass for the stallion, he was not practising his skills with another, he was using them for real.” – Duel should be duels, pass should be past, practicing is misspelled. Possibly a semicolon or period instead of the comma after stallion, but awkward phrasing makes it hard to tell.
- “His head was killing him, due to the cut on his head” – unnecessary comma, repetition of head
- “so he was able to concreted lot more” – misspelling of concentrate, “better” instead of “lot more”
- “Planing the final attack took lot planning in his dial as he did not know what this mare was going to do next.” – First planning is misspelled, “lot” should be “a lot of” or “a lot more”, comma needed after dial, repetition of “planning”
- “hit the mark what he needed” – what is the wrong word to use here
- “if the skin has been torn and bleeding” – had been should be was
- “But his best attack he saw was that his hit on her cheek.” – “that” isn’t needed
- “She did not seem too that” – incorrect phrasing, maybe a missing word?
- “he aimed his chest, just in time to feel the blow.” – comma not necessary
- “Hoof print bruised his skin,” – “Hoof print” should be “hoof prints” or have an article in front of it
- “Burke didn't know he have had a crack rib,” – “have had” should just be “had”, “crack” should be “cracked”
- “he snaked his dial out and pushed his front legs out, stretchering his body forward, long enough to reach her shoulder side.” – repetition of “out”,
stretching misspelled, “shoulder side” is awkward phrasing
- “but he ironged this.” – misspelling of ignored
- “he aimed to hit the tendon preferable” – preferable should be preferably
- “just like she did to him.” – “did” should be “had done”
- “he didn't want to cause himself a injury more.” – awkward phrasing, should be “an injury”, not “a injury”
- “as he could not do anymore than he did.” – “anymore” should be “any more”, “did” should be “had done”

Total: 44

Congratulations to ➳ T e c h n o ➳ with Aislinn!

[Deleted]

Well done ➳ T e c h n o ➳