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Post by aliyaah on Jan 12, 2018 16:32:03 GMT -7
decide your fate. Xerxes vs Chaos
Climate: It is winter, but it's a warmer day. The warring parties arrive early in the morning, just as the sun is rising. There is snow on the ground, several inches thick, and slushy - mixing with the mud it has happened beneath it. The sky above is cloud covered, perhaps it will snow later on, but if it does it will be light snow - pretty, despite the destruction that will be happening on the land below.
Battle Terms: - 3 hits - 1 dodge - 3 days to reply, NO EXTENSIONS - 3 posts each (an intro from one player, two battle posts each, and then one final post from the second player) - 1000 word maximum
Other Info: - Those siding with the Helkaer will have the Helkaer "fire brand" painted in mud/earth upon them so you can recognize who they side with. - All other regular battle rules still apply so be sure to address the battle thread for rules. - Please see the main thread for any other info: Click. This includes info on how the groups approached the battle and what not, so be sure you read it over.
Upon random draw, @chaosy will be posting first, followed by A z z y . Good luck!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2018 11:16:32 GMT -7
Name- Chaos Breed- Belgian Warmblood x American Quarter Horse x Thoroughbred Age- 5 Years Gender- Mare Height- 16 hh Alliance- Neutral Health- 100/100 The morning had dawned with warmer than usual temperatures, though the clouds in the sky threatened snowfall later. Before them, waiting for the hooves of those that had come to defile it, the battleground looked almost pure. There was a several inch thick layer of snow, ready to create slippery mud under the flints that the combatants claimed. This was would end today, one way or another. Chaos hoped with all of her heart that it was in the Neutral Kingdom's favor, but she would not hold her breath. Her tiny raccoon companion was still hiding in Tremala, safe from any injuries that a battle would surely cause. And that meant that Chaos was less likely to need to adjust her steps for his weight shifts on her neck. She would need every advantage at her disposal. The silver dapple bay mare elevated her head proudly as she approached the battlefield. She was the Neutral Queen and as such was the one that had to be at the forefront. Or at least that was her opinion on this war. Chaos would lead as an example rather than background orders. She would not start things and not follow them through. Shaking her creamy silver mane, she took a moment to glance at those that had pledged themselves to the Neutral Kingdom and observed a touch of pride. At least one thing had gone positive... She was not on the battlefield alone. The morning was cool, but not enough that it would bother her in the slightest. She was too filled with adrenaline and desire to succeed to even consider it. A piercing cry escaped her lips, and she pushed herself into a gallop. As she moved, her mane and tail streamed out behind her like banners. Her blue eyes searched out an opponent, zeroing on a stallion that she had yet to meet. He was pale with strange dark markings on his profile and hip. Sliding to a stop before him, Chaos raised her head and snorted. She had heard of this stallion, even without coming face to face with him. "Xerxes... King of the Dark Kingdom... It seems that this shall be a battle of royals." Chaos seethed as she came met the stallion with cold eyes. She was ready for what ever would come to her now and almost anxious to begin this battle. "I suppose that I should not be surprised to be confronting you here.We shall see who takes victory today." Chaos said, pulling in her every bit of confidence to sound as determined as she felt. She would not be awkward today... A great deal was at stake. Her chrome painted face was a neutral mask, hiding any fear or distaste for what was about to happen. Words: 450+ Tag: A z z yNotes: Intro <3 Hits: 0/3 used Dodges: 0/1 used Posts: 1/3
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Post by A z z y on Jan 14, 2018 5:53:00 GMT -7
Oh, I gotta love it on the inside This hell is nothing new
Name- Xerxes Breed- Nonius x Friesian x Andalusian x Percheron x Hanoverian x Shire x Zebra x Fjord Age- 7 Gender- Stallion Height- 18.2hh Alliance- Dark Health- Mental: 80% (psychotic episode imminent due to not feeding on meat) Physical: 95% still healing post battle with Ziegen. Carrier for VHF
He had stirred before dawn, thin layers of epithelium slid lazily over hell hued voids, blinking twice before consciousness returned to him fully. Xerxes allowed a moment of clarity to fall over him, washing through his entity as realisation dawned upon him like the morning sun - it was time. Raising to his full and imposing height, the heathen king scoured the darkness of his cavern, rolling his muscled shoulders gently before shaking his serpent out of any tension built up during the night. Crystals glittered and sparkled as he moved through the myriad of tunnels, his crown twisting through into one entrance to drink in the image of the dreaming Akroma. Titian pools devoured her, stripping the flesh from her bones, satisfied that she was still incarcerated in sleep's unforgiving grasp. Turning his ashen atlas to the exit of the chambers, the leviathan made his silent departure. The sun was yet to fully reclaim the stratosphere, a thin sanguine line stained the horizon but darkness remained president. A dangerous leer curled over the king's features as he drew his chin to his bosom; knives lifted in a generous yet steady thrice beat, the once chilled blood began to bubble in his veins, electric shivers sent to his dozing muscles - the time for rest was over. Xerxes knew better than to over exert himself, he knew he needed to remain warm, alert but not over exerted, he could not forfeit this battle to exhaustion. It had been a month since his battle with the brute named Ziegenblock, a battle which he had come home from victorious, yet there was still a dull ache in his chest where a rib was fractured. No doubt, he would return home with more wounds for his collection.
Nearing the designated battle grounds, the heathen king viewed those he was to fight alongside, various members of the brotherhood, a soldier from Amdusias Isle and Romeo himself to name but a few. Xerxes regarded them all with a cold grin, now was not the time for pleasantries. The group fell into formation, Xerxes remained close to the helkaers, a sign of his loyalty to them for this battle. The adversaries fell into line opposite them, his lobes pinning against his crown as an indignant snort escaped his nasal passages, lampistras of flame scoured them all individually, honing in one witch in particular. A gentle chuckle escaped him in lulls, his blood turning to acid as the battle cries rang out amongst the beasts. The enemy advanced first, breaking ranks as they ran blindly into the fray. Xerxes swung at his shoulders, teeth bared, stripping the once healing scabs from his well covered entity, fresh blood flowing from him as he disregarded the flakes of his own flesh upon the earth at his feet. Crimson dripped onto the fresh snow beneath him, a bread crumb trail to the King of all that was unholy on this mortal plane. Shifting his mass onto strong hind appendages, the pallid beast pushed himself forwards into the strife, his gargantuan frame dancing easily in and out of pairings that had already clashed, his intentions set on one individual alone. He had claimed the king, now he would take the queen.
As if drawn by an invisible string, she too advanced towards him, sliding to a brash halt before him. Words veiled in confidence escaped the somewhat smaller being, her eyes however, told him a different story. Walk on home little lady - a battle is no place for those weak at heart. he chuckled, his nape snaking low to the ground as he circled her once, viewing her like a wolf would a deer. He was hungry, oh so hungry, and this one was ripe for the picking. Xerxes smirked, running his tongue over the plump flesh of his obsidian kissers before pushing himself forwards. Two long, languid strides aimed to her left side and the bastard was upon her. Using his height to his advantage, Xerxes shifted his body into a rear, not to his full height, just enough to potentially lay a foreleg over her withers, his weight baring down upon her in an attempt to bring her to her knees. With his teeth bared, the heathen king ferociously tore at the area ahead of her withers, snapping at the queen's crest. Blood filled his chasm, whether it was from successful blows or the force of his attacks tearing the skin of his own jaws, he was yet to discern. Streams of claret dribbled from the self mutilation, trailing over his shoulders and down his forelegs, smearing the queen in his own infection. Xerxes' silently hoped she would remain blissfully unaware of his disease until it was too late. How he would laugh.
wordsthoughts/listeningWords 792 Tag @chaosy Notes Post 1/3 - first attack Dodges 0/1 Attacks 1/3 1 - attacking on Chaos' left side, Xerxes half rears, aiming to drape his left foreleg over her withers to bring her down, whilst aiming to bite down on the base of her neck to aid his attack. HitsNone taken If there's a heaven on the other side You better pray I don't get through
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2018 12:10:51 GMT -7
Name- Chaos Breed- Belgian Warmblood x American Quarter Horse x Thoroughbred Age- 5 Years Gender- Mare Height- 16 hh Alliance- Neutral Health- 90/100 The approach of the two-toned stallion was confident and bordering on arrogant. Rolling her eyes, she felt her fear move away from the forefront and permit her to contemplate clearly. Walk on home little lady - a battle is no place for those weak at heart. Snorting, she fought back a laugh and shook her elegantly chiseled head. "Your arrogance definitely has not been not exaggerated." She remarked as he began moving around her chocolate hued frame. Her words were cut short, and she focused on what was at hand, the battle for her home and those that put their trust into her. The newly appointed Queen would not just walk away from her kingdom and those that needed her. Before she could think further, the beast was bleeding across his muscular shoulders and moving toward her with intent to harm. Of course he was. Why would the Underworld tainted king of the Dark Kingdom fight fairly in any way? She felt his leg wrap across her broad back and braced herself against his more considerable weight. While he was there, Chaos dipped her head toward the meeting of his girth and foreleg. That stretch of tissue was sensitive, and she tried to sink her teeth into the tender flesh. As she moved, Chaos could feel his dental structures rake across her crest and leave gashes in their wake. Locks of her creamy silver mane drifted away, torn by those ivory teeth and free from her silver adjusted neck. Chaos squealed as the skin tore and she propelled herself forward with her sturdy rear legs. Once she was free from his weight, Chaos spun on her right foreleg. The mare confronted the stallion with her regal head raised and indignant china blue eyes glaring at him balefully. From this vantage point, Chaos tried to pinpoint the next possible move that she could make. Being two and a half hands shorter, she had a unique vantage than he did, but that also extended to the rangier stallion. Pushing off once again with her muscular rear legs, she snaked her white painted head toward his throat as she relocated to his right side. She slid in the direction of his shoulder, hooves slipping a bit on the churned up muck and snow. Chaos' ivory teeth snapped at the flesh at his throat latch, though she would be thrilled with any complete connection at this point. Words: 400+ Tag: A z z y Notes: --- Hits: 2/3 used Dodges: 0/1 used Posts: 2/3 Hits:1. Tried to bite left side of barrel, just behind elbow, while he was resting his weight on her back. 2. Rushed at Xerxes with intent to bite at throat latch. 3. Injuries:1. Gashes across crest of neck, torn mane. 2. 3.
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Post by A z z y on Jan 17, 2018 15:40:56 GMT -7
Oh, I gotta love it on the inside This hell is nothing new
Name- Xerxes Breed- Nonius x Friesian x Andalusian x Percheron x Hanoverian x Shire x Zebra x Fjord Age- 7 Gender- Stallion Height- 18.2hh Alliance- Dark Health- Mental: 80% (psychotic episode imminent due to not feeding on meat) Physical: 85% still healing post battle with Ziegen. Carrier for VHF
A distant chuckle rumbled from deep within the monstrous king, his lids slithering shut before honing in on her once more. Her words were laced with putrid loathing, acidic and hot, if he'd have had hands he would have applauded. My Queen! Definitely the most believable part of your performance thus far! his words were filled with venomous rage, something so insidious and hate filled, he wouldn't blame her if the little cunt ran on home then. You sent a nobody to fight for your king's return, and he fell short of the mark. Now the alliance sends you? he shook his head, dropping it and snaking towards her, his eyes on her alone. You're all going home in pine boxes... he snarled, his words filled with an acrid vehemence, the tension his muscles building as he prepared for attack.
He felt her body brace beneath him, her pillars gaining what traction they could find within the moist topography, the cold slurry numbing their legs as they scraped and brawled through the dirt. In his haste to subdue her, he had left his already healing underarm open to further attack and the little queen took full advantage. He felt her sharp incisors grip the pliant, fragile skin, tearing it easily from his sinews in one quick jerk. The flesh was still regrowing, it wasn't yet healed from the attack Ziegenblock had delivered upon him and in turn, the skin gave way easily. The searing pain only spurred him on further, a dangerous chuckle resonating within him as he aimed his enamels at her nape. Xerxes' blows were successful, and in his eagerness, he devoured every slither of flesh she spared to him. He swallowed them down, chewing on the tender epithelium of her serpent, sanguine rolling down his mug in thick, crimson rivulets. It was only when the hot pain was finally received within her dense grey matter, did she finally take flight. Propelling herself from under him, Xerxes merely slid from her spine, landing sweetly upon the mulch, his body snaking behind him to face her, drawing himself to his full and formidable height.
A moment of clarity seemed to fall between them as the mahogany stained bitch summed up her opponent, honing in on her next target. Propelling herself towards him, the heathen king braced, the flats of his crown facing her. It was only as she was in her final stride did her alabaster blades slip from her jaws, aiming at his throat. A step backwards was taken by the king, his mass raising onto hind appendages to avoid the surely fatal blow. Pulling his dome towards the heavens, Xerxes twisted from her grasp, his lobes pulled flat to his crown. Keeping his grips on the earth, his balance momentarily compromised as he remained poised over the cold iron earth for a moment striking his fore daggers repeatedly towards her temples. Stepping forward, the heathen king continued his attack, cutting the stratosphere between them, unaware of what blows, if any, had been successful, until his blessed grip on the earth gave out. Dropping his head low, the heathen king shook his head slowly, tutting as he did so. Silly little bird. Flew too far to fly back home... he mused, turning on her then, his hell fire hued pools raking her as hot pain shot through his forearm in ebbs and flows. Moving like a well oiled machine, the heathen king drew his chin to his bosom, his gaze locked onto her alone, the fray around him fading into white noise.
Moments seemed to slither by, an almost noble smirk tugged on his lips as he advanced towards her, slowly, cat like in his approach. Each step felt jagged, the earth giving him away with every stride. Mustering what was left of his energy, the ashen king drew his nape to his chest, building the power within him before pushing off the terra with solid columns, muscles burning against the force of his attack. He closed the small gulf between them, his teeth bared. The silken veneer of his labium peeled back to reveal pearly fangs that moved like heat seeking missiles towards her jugular, returning the gesture as she had done to him. He felt his mandibles slam shut as soon as he neared her, tucking his lobes against his poll firmly. The force of the attack made it difficult to discern whether or not he had made successful contact, the familiar taste of iron stained his saliva, dull agony filled his jaws as the power his jowls had exerted may have been enough to fracture a tooth if contact had been unsuccessful.
wordsthoughts/listeningWords 700+ Tag @chaosy Notes Post 2/3 - all attacks\dodges used Dodges 1/1 - reared up to avoid Chaos' attack to the throat. Attacks 3/3 1 - attacking on Chaos' left side, Xerxes half rears, aiming to drape his left foreleg over her withers to bring her down, whilst aiming to bite down on the base of her neck to aid his attack. 2 - whilst dodging Chaos' attack to his jugular, Xerxes took the opportunity to 'box' at her head and neck, aiming to cut or severely bruise/fracture her face 3 - turned to face her and plainly went for her jugular. Snapped at the part midway down her throat. Hits- ripped brisket, an old injury has now been reopened and it will be much more difficult to heal. If there's a heaven on the other side You better pray I don't get through
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2018 10:53:50 GMT -7
Name- Chaos Breed- Belgian Warmblood x American Quarter Horse x Thoroughbred Age- 5 Years Gender- Mare Height- 16 hh Alliance- Neutral Health- 80/100 "My Queen! Definitely the most believable part of your performance thus far! You sent a nobody to fight for your king's return, and he fell short of the mark. Now the alliance sends you? You're all going home in pine boxes..." Chaos snarled at the stallion. "That battle was underway before I even knew about it. That is no blame of mine. If I had known, we would have met sooner, My Lord..." She spat the last two words with disdain and shook her cream hued mane. Those words were undeniably precise... She would have, and should have, been the one that had challenged the poisonous stallion before her. "Silly little bird. Flew too far to fly back home..." Chaos pinned her ears and twisted her head away from his flailing hooves. They connected along the side of her neck, and the new queen felt them rip into her chocolate hued coat. Crimson trails snaked down her muscular neck, betraying the damage that the Dark King had done. All fear was gone at this point and all that she resolved to achieve was crushing him beneath her hard hooves. As soon as he returned to the churned up soil, she elevated her head and glared at him with her china blues. "You really shouldn't talk about yourself like that... Words like that might make others wonder if you are an idiot or self-deprecating... I am unsure as to which I should believe right now." The silver adjusted maiden spat, a smirk crossing her lips. Chaos snarled as she scrutinized him stalking forward. His next attack was something that the mare instantly recognized as a repeat of her own move. Jumping to her left, she allowed his teeth to graze the side of her neck. The move allowed his muzzle to glance off gently, feeling more like a lover's caress than something intending to do damage to her form. That knowledge left her lips quirked up in a sly smile. Using the momentum of her dodge, she leapt forward and out of his reach. Before the chocolate queen was far enough away to need to re-adjust her trajectory, Chaos ducked her head and flailed out with her rear legs. She was aiming for his the left side of his barrel, hoping to crack the ribs that were allowing him to breathe. If the neutral kingdom ruler had considered the correct impact and trajectory, bone could even pierce his lungs. As her feet extended to their full length, she gathered them back in and moved forward to where she could turn and confront him again. Words: 400+ Tag: A z z y Notes: --- Hits: 3/3 used Dodges: 1/1 used 1. Jumped to left side to allow Xerxes' teeth to barely graze her neck. Posts: 3/3 Hits:1. Tried to bite left side of barrel, just behind elbow, while he was resting his weight on her back. 2. Rushed at Xerxes with intent to bite at throat latch. 3. Tried to kick Xerxes in ribs on left side to do as much damage as possible. Injuries:1. Gashes across crest of neck, torn mane. Injury will be painful and will make moving her neck more difficult until healed. 2. Slices across right side of neck, result of Xerxes' rear and flailing hooves. Bleeding and bruising will increase the pain of her neck during healing. 3.
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Eat the Rude
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Post by A z z y on Jan 21, 2018 5:57:33 GMT -7
I'll show you ruin, I'll show you evil I'll sing you a war song, I'll sing you a new one
Name- Xerxes Breed- Nonius x Friesian x Andalusian x Percheron x Hanoverian x Shire x Zebra x Fjord Age- 7 Gender- Stallion Height- 18.2hh Alliance- Dark Health- Mental: 80% (psychotic episode imminent due to not feeding on meat) Physical: 70% still healing post battle with Ziegen. Carrier for VHF
A bitter snort rattled down his nasal passages, an acidic chuckle followed in it's wake. Perhaps. However, I imagine Lachlan Breck will be a much safer place for the little king once the Helkaer have taken the power. he sent a devilish wink to the bitch, a gentle shrug rolled over his aching muscles. Though she was little, she was fierce. His words, unfortunately for her, held an element of truth. Once the war was over, and if the brotherhood took what they had wanted, Cathair would be safer with Xerxes than he would anywhere else. It was a notion that sent a dangerous shiver down the spine of the heathen, his fire hued gaze illuminating in their sockets as nefarious thoughts swirled through his grey matter - should he extend the asylum to her as well? No doubt Akroma would offer the first olive branch between the fractured alliances. A smug smirk curled his handsome physiognomy as he watched his knives slice into the thick muscle of her nape, rubies spattered his forelimbs and chest, adorning him in glittering crimson globules until they dried. He landed against the pliant earth beneath him, his lobes raising a fraction as she spoke, doing all she could to turn his words against him. Xerxes couldn't help but roll his eyes, his crown shook briefly, a hollow laughter vibrating from deep within him as he turned his fierce gaze upon her, condescending, judgemental. He wasn't here to play nice after all. My sweet little queen. This is where we differ... I was born from fire and flame, the blood that runs in my veins is the same blood that runs in the underworld, the same blood that ruled over wild equines long before you arrived. the moist curve of his vernacular slithered from behind ivory tombs, slicking the plump flesh of his lower lip. You, however, have come out of nowhere, taken a crown far to big for your head and now you're in the midst of a battle you have no business in fighting in. He paused, surveying her with unrelenting ferocity. If you want to win the war, My Lady, you need to know what you're fighting for. And this isn't to keep your lands and loyal subjects safe - you're fighting for power.
It was then he went for her throat, a move she so deftly avoided. His enamels grazed her nape, savouring her taste in his jowls as he sailed past her. As his jaws snapped shut, a fragment of his tooth richocheted from the impact, falling into the icy abyss beneath them. Mentally, he chided himself for allowing her the exit she had taken - perhaps it was his version of mercy and she had taken full advantage of it. From the corner of his peripheral vision, he saw her drop her forehand, his brow furrowing before realisation hit him like a freight train. Both of her hind legs shot at him, his own hind legs buckled beneath him, sliding into the mulch beneath them, trying to stop the attack yet this time the earth betrayed him. She made successful contact, a sound similar to a shot gun blast resonated around them, burning pain shooting through his being with every inhalation. That bitch, that fucking cunt of a whore! Xerxes roared, his lobes flat to his poll as the burning agony reverberated from within him, his atlas shaking as he snaked to view the damage. Two perfect lacerations, one was deep the other merely superficial. The skin around the attack was livid, deep purple from the bruising as capillaries seeped out beneath his ashen hide. Claret rolled over the expanse of his ribs and abdomen, pooling beneath him, his furious gaze dragged from the injuries back to the smaller adversary. If he had been any less muscled, the damage would have been catastrophic - yet he would heal from this in time. Run on home little one, your friends are gone and your lands are on fire... he snarled, spitting blood from his jaws before stalking towards her, his gaze intense upon her frame as his crown dipped once to her. Despite the pain that sent shock waves through him, the heathen king returned into the fray, his physique blurred by the brawling equines around them. The Queen was alone once more.
wordsthoughts/listeningWords 700+ Tag @chaosy Notes Post 3/3 - all attacks\dodges used Dodges 1/1 - reared up to avoid Chaos' attack to the throat. Attacks 3/3 1 - attacking on Chaos' left side, Xerxes half rears, aiming to drape his left foreleg over her withers to bring her down, whilst aiming to bite down on the base of her neck to aid his attack. 2 - whilst dodging Chaos' attack to his jugular, Xerxes took the opportunity to 'box' at her head and neck, aiming to cut or severely bruise/fracture her face 3 - turned to face her and plainly went for her jugular. Snapped at the part midway down her throat. Hits- ripped brisket, an old injury has now been reopened and it will be much more difficult to heal. - chipped tooth from failed attack - two broken ribs, deep bruising and two deep lacerations. The bruising will subside, but the ribs and the cuts will take a while to heal. I'll show you ruin, I'll show you broken I'll show you shameless, I'll tear you wide open
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Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2018 17:12:43 GMT -7
Name- Chaos Breed- Belgian Warmblood x American Quarter Horse x Thoroughbred Age- 5 Years Gender- Mare Height- 16 hh Alliance- Neutral Health- 80/100 Injuries:1. Gashes across crest of neck, torn mane. Injury will be painful and will make moving her neck more difficult until healed. 2. Slices across right side of neck, result of Xerxes' rear and flailing hooves. Bleeding and bruising will increase the pain of her neck during healing. Note: There is a pending post in Battle Perks from her training thread with Divine This can be judged! Good luck A z z y!
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Living slow and loving fast.
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Post by aliyaah on Jan 22, 2018 12:15:01 GMT -7
I will tally. Waiting on judge collection: Yes Judge 1 Collection: Done Judge 2 Collection: Waiting Tally-ing Scores: No
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Living slow and loving fast.
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Post by aliyaah on Feb 1, 2018 6:41:59 GMT -7
CHAOSY WITH CHAOS Quality over Quantity: 7.5 Comments: - Posts were shorter and to-the-point. - Would have liked a bit more feeling when being wounded; a lot of the time it just says that she felt them happening without much mention of pain. - Posts are clear about what she is doing, but could have more about what she was feeling; indication that there was a battle going on around them would have been nice too. - The posts were readable and remained focused. I do wish that the attacks had a bit more to them. The first two attacks seemed a little rushed, it would have been nice to have more focus on them. No God Modeling or Power Playing: 10 Comments: - None Realism of Attack: 9 Comments: - Quite a lot of talking – fun but not really realistic for the middle of a mass battle. - Attacks themselves were realistic - First and second attack were realistic. (Took a bit to imagine the first one, but it's possible for a horse to reach around like that.) Attack Compared to Opponent: 8 Comments: - Liked that she used the positioning of Xerxes’ first attack as a chance to attack him. - Chose attacks that didn’t put her at a disadvantage due to her size. - Attacks were easy to follow - First attack was a little weaker. I had to reread it several times to try and picture it happening, as well as if it could be reached. Second attack was also a quick bite/snap. Would have liked more variety. Last attack worked with her movement and what was happening in the battle. Completion of the Form: 10 Comments: Form was completed Spelling and Grammar: 7 Comments: Some mistakes - “Chaos would lead as an example rather than background orders.” – “rather than background orders” is incorrect phrasing - “At least one thing had gone positive...” – “positive” should be “positively” - “zeroing on a stallion” – should be zeroing in on - “as she came met the stallion with cold eyes.” – “came met” is incorrect - “She was ready for what ever would come” – whatever is one word - "Your arrogance definitely has not been not exaggerated." – double negative, awkward phrasing? - “Before she could think further, the beast was bleeding across his muscular shoulders and moving toward her with intent to harm” – this makes it seem like the bleeding is something that just happened - “she had a unique vantage than he did, but that also extended to the rangier stallion.” – awkward/confusing phrasing - “at the flesh at his throat latch, though” – throatlatch is one word - “That is no blame of mine” – blame should be fault - “allowed his teeth to graze the side of her neck. The move allowed his muzzle” – repetition of allowed - “aiming for his the left side of his barrel” – extra “his” after for - "battle of royals." - Need a comma after royals, as you are closing direct speech - "Chaos seethed as she came met the stallion with cold eyes" - Came is not needed, the sentence does not make sense with it. - "today." Chaos said," - again, need a comma when closing direct speech - "not exaggerated." She remarked as he began moving around her chocolate hued frame." - need the comma when closing direct speech - "Locks of her creamy silver mane drifted away, torn by those ivory teeth and free from her silver adjusted neck." - the "and free from her" should not have the and, it makes the sentence clunky and confusing. It would be better to be "torn free from her silvery neck by those ivory teeth" or "torn by those ivory teeth, free from her silver neck". - "Chaos' ivory" - when a proper noun ends in a pronounced s, possession is marked by s's (Chaos's) - "white painted head" - need hyphen in white-painted, due to being before a noun - "Chaos snarled at the stallion. "That battle was underway before I even knew about it. That is no blame of mine. If I had known, we would have met sooner, My Lord..." She spat the last two words" - there needs to be either a comma at "stallion, "That" or comma after "My Lord," she" to work for direct speech - "now." The " - direct speech issue again
TOTAL: 51.5 + 1 battle perk = 52.5
AZZY WITH XERXES Quality over Quantity: 9.5 Comments: - The details about him eating her flesh were visceral enough to be gross (this is a good thing) - Great description and emotion - Vocabulary can get a little overly complicated, especially when referring to body parts. - Posts were interesting and strewn with good descriptions and language. The only problem was the copious amount of run-on sentences. Run-ons distracted from the post quality. Their sentence structure does not allow a reader's brain to pause properly while reading. No God Modeling or Power Playing: 8.5 Comments: - His first attack has him tearing into her crest when it is unknown if he managed to hook his leg over her or not. The writing leaves room for her to dodge the leg hooking and the bite, but the last few sentences are written as if he’d been successful in getting on top of her when that is still unknown. - "Crystals glittered and sparkled as he moved through the myriad of tunnels, his crown twisting through into one entrance to drink in the image of the dreaming Akroma. Titian pools devoured her, stripping the flesh from her bones, satisfied that she was still incarcerated in sleep's unforgiving grasp." - Powerplaying saying that Akroma is sleeping there at the time of the war. (Unless Zo previous approved, though there was no note made in the post.) - "Streams of claret dribbled from the self mutilation, trailing over his shoulders and down his forelegs, smearing the queen in his own infection." - Saying that she is indeed getting covered in blood will be taken as powerplay considering the blood's infection. Realism of Attack: 9 Comments: - I liked that wounds from his previous battle were taken into account in the first post, but would have liked to see them (and his new wounds) continue to affect him. - Quite a lot of talking – fun but not really realistic for the middle of a mass battle. - Attacks themselves were realistic Attack Compared to Opponent: 8 Comments: - It was smart to wound himself to increase the chance of passing on his disease - He could have used his size to his advantage more - Good description of attacks. - Good first and second attacks, with the third being nearly the same as Chaos's prior attack. They overall seemed to pack more force than Chaos's. - However, there was a problem with the first attack. Xerxes specifically tries to get a leg over Chaos's back in order to put his weight onto her and bring her down. He then tries to bite to cause a laceration. Using his weight to move her and using teeth to cause a laceration are two different attacks, putting him at an unfair advantage with getting four attacks as compared to three. Completion of the Form: 10 Comments: - Form was completed Spelling and Grammar: 5 Comments: (SORRY IF THERE'S REPETITION HERE, Ali just might have missed them when bringing together the different judges) Quite a few mistakes, but they were usually minor enough to not affect comprehension (mostly run-on sentences) - “He had stirred before dawn, thin layers of epithelium slid lazily over hell hued voids,” – either swap the comma after dawn for a semicolon or period, or “slid” with “sliding” - “shaking his serpent out of any tension” – odd phrasing, shaking tension out of his serpent would make more sense - “The sun was yet to fully reclaim the stratosphere, a thin sanguine line stained the horizon but darkness remained president.” – semicolon or split into two sentences at the comma - “exerted, he could not forfeit this battle to exhaustion.” – either a semicolon or split into two sentences at the comma - “a battle which he had come home from victorious” – Which should be that - “Xerxes regarded them all with a cold grin, now was not the time for pleasantries.” – semicolon or split into two sentences at the comma - “The group fell into formation, Xerxes remained close to the helkaers” – semicolon or split into two sentences at the comma, Helkaer is caplitalized - “his well covered entity” – well-covered has a hyphen - “, a bread crumb trail” – breadcrumb is one word - “Streams of claret dribbled from the self mutilation” – self-mutilation has a hyphen - “he'd have had hands” – if he had hands - “the tension his muscles building” – missing an “in” - “The flesh was still regrowing, it wasn't yet healed” – semicolon or split into two sentences (also spellcheck is claiming that regrowing isn’t a word???) - “Propelling herself towards him, the heathen king braced,” – awkward phrasing, “propelling herself towards him” seems like it might have fit better with the previous sentence - “and in turn, the skin gave way easily.” - “in turn” seems awkward here - “and in turn, the skin gave way easily.” – comma needed before in turn - “Propelling herself from under him, Xerxes merely slid from her spine,” – the focus of this sentence changes from Chaos to Xerxes. “As she propelled herself…” would be better. - “Propelling herself towards him, the heathen king braced,” – see above comment - “balance momentarily compromised” – was momentarily - “moment striking his fore daggers repeatedly” – comma needed after moment - “Moving like a well oiled machine” – well-oiled has a hyphen - “Moments seemed to slither by, an almost noble smirk tugged on his lips as he advanced towards her, slowly, cat like” – semicolon or split into two sentences after “slither by”, catlike is one word - “successful contact, the familiar taste of iron stained his saliva, dull agony filled his jaws as” – semicolons or periods instead of the commas - “nasal passages, an acidic chuckle followed in it's wake.” – semicolon or period instead of the comma, wrong form of its. - “he sent a devilish wink” – He should be capitalized here - “his fire hued gaze illuminating in their sockets” – gaze is singular, should be eyes (or another plural synonym) - “into the thick muscle of her nape, rubies spattered his” – semicolon or split into two sentences at the comma - “Xerxes couldn't help but roll his eyes, his crown shook briefly” – semicolon or split into two sentences at the comma - “condescending, judgemental.” – judgmental misspelled (I think… Unless that’s how it’s spelled in not-America) - “My sweet little queen.” – not a complete sentence - “I was born from fire and flame, the blood that runs” – comma should be semicolon or period - “the moist curve of his vernacular” – vernacular for tongue is a bit of a stretch, it would work for tongue used to refer to language but not for tongue as a body part - “a crown far to big for your head and now” – to should be too, comma needed after head - “a fragment of his tooth richocheted” – ricocheted spelled incorrectly - “beneath him, sliding into the mulch beneath them, trying to stop the attack yet this time the earth betrayed him.” – repetition of beneath, comma needed after attack - “She made successful contact, a sound similar to a shot gun blast resonated” – comma should be a semicolon (or stick “and” in after the comma) - “one was deep the other merely superficial.” – comma needed after deep - "self mutilation" - needs a hyphen - "close to the helkaers" - Helkaer capitalized - "well covered entity" - well covered needs a hyphen (modifies same noun) - "somewhat smaller being" - somewhat is an adverb, it cannot be before an adjective and a noun - "the self mutilation," - hyphen - "he devoured every slither of flesh" - every should be each - "Moving like a well oiled machine," - well-oiled needs a hyphen to become a compound modifier - "cat like" - should be cat-like - "it's wake." - it's means it is, possessive would be its - "power. he" - this needs to be a comma, not a period due to direct speech - "Xerxes couldn't help but roll his eyes, his crown shook briefly," - this is two independent clauses joined by a comma, which is incorrect - ". the moist curve" - need a comma due to direct speech - "taken a crown far to big" - to should be too - "My Lady" - lowercase the m - "richocheted" - misspelling of ricocheted - "attack yet this time the earth betrayed him." - this would need a comma after yet. however, this sentence is too long and should have been separated instead of how it is written. - "Two perfect lacerations, one was deep the other merely superficial." - need a comma after deep - "wild equines" - capitalize the proper noun - "a shot gun blast resonated" - shotgun is one word
"Raising to his full and imposing height, the heathen king scoured the darkness of his cavern, rolling his muscled shoulders gently before shaking his serpent out of any tension built up during the night. " - run-on "A dangerous leer curled over the king's features as he drew his chin to his bosom; knives lifted in a generous yet steady thrice beat, the once chilled blood began to bubble in his veins, electric shivers sent to his dozing muscles - the time for rest was over." - run-on "It had been a month since his battle with the brute named Ziegenblock, a battle which he had come home from victorious, yet there was still a dull ache in his chest where a rib was fractured." - run-on "Nearing the designated battle grounds, the heathen king viewed those he was to fight alongside, various members of the brotherhood, a soldier from Amdusias Isle and Romeo himself to name but a few." - run-on "The adversaries fell into line opposite them, his lobes pinning against his crown as an indignant snort escaped his nasal passages, lampistras of flame scoured them all individually, honing in one witch in particular." - run-on "Xerxes swung at his shoulders, teeth bared, stripping the once healing scabs from his well covered entity, fresh blood flowing from him as he disregarded the flakes of his own flesh upon the earth at his feet." - run-on "Shifting his mass onto strong hind appendages, the pallid beast pushed himself forwards into the strife, his gargantuan frame dancing easily in and out of pairings that had already clashed, his intentions set on one individual alone." - run-on "Using his height to his advantage, Xerxes shifted his body into a rear, not to his full height, just enough to potentially lay a foreleg over her withers, his weight baring down upon her in an attempt to bring her to her knees." - run-on "He felt her body brace beneath him, her pillars gaining what traction they could find within the moist topography, the cold slurry numbing their legs as they scraped and brawled through the dirt." - run-on "Propelling herself from under him, Xerxes merely slid from her spine, landing sweetly upon the mulch, his body snaking behind him to face her, drawing himself to his full and formidable height." - run-on "Keeping his grips on the earth, his balance momentarily compromised as he remained poised over the cold iron earth for a moment striking his fore daggers repeatedly towards her temples." - run-on "Stepping forward, the heathen king continued his attack, cutting the stratosphere between them, unaware of what blows, if any, had been successful, until his blessed grip on the earth gave out." - run-on "Mustering what was left of his energy, the ashen king drew his nape to his chest, building the power within him before pushing off the terra with solid columns, muscles burning against the force of his attack." - run-on "The silken veneer of his labium peeled back to reveal pearly fangs that moved like heat seeking missiles towards her jugular, returning the gesture as she had done to him." - run-on "The force of the attack made it difficult to discern whether or not he had made successful contact, the familiar taste of iron stained his saliva, dull agony filled his jaws as the power his jowls had exerted may have been enough to fracture a tooth if contact had been unsuccessful." - run-on "It was a notion that sent a dangerous shiver down the spine of the heathen, his fire hued gaze illuminating in their sockets as nefarious thoughts swirled through his grey matter - should he extend the asylum to her as well?" - run-on "Both of her hind legs shot at him, his own hind legs buckled beneath him, sliding into the mulch beneath them, trying to stop the attack yet this time the earth betrayed him. " - run-on
TOTAL: 50
The winner is @chaosy with Chaos
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Eat the Rude
live deliciously 🐐
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she/her
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4,073 posts
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points
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Underworld Lead
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Post by A z z y on Feb 1, 2018 10:12:51 GMT -7
Congratulations @chaosy !
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